missing and missing and missing and missing

Yesterday, I dined at a hotel in Kalyani Nagar with my friends. After meal, we went to MacD for icecream or something like that. Pushing the glass door (of MacD) open (which has a big wheel for handle), I glanced a little left. And my (already pounding) heart gave a jolt and resumed with more speed. That table behind the glass, that’s the one I celebrated my first *true* date. The day, the date and the occasion will never leave my memory lane ever.

It happens a lot now a days. Everywhere I go, the place has a memory, of her, of being there with her, of having spent most happiest moments of life (so far) with her.

Few months ago, we used to spend long nice evenings and weekends together and suddenly I found myself alone and her far far away than she had ever gone. Not that she left me forever, not that we severed ties, but still, the circumstances forced her for moving to another city. Things just didn’t settle with her going away, as I (am sure) was marked for experience of being God’s Yo-Yo.

Missing You

She moved in with her relatives and bad days returned spreading sadness everywhere. Her company was already playing villain in our love story and things were suddenly combined with family restrictions. For obvious reasons, she can’t call me frequently. Or strictly speaking, we now talk for max 10 minutes a day. Some days even pass without listening the voices of each other (which is the root of all this story).

Flexibility being my most adored quality, I adjusted my lifestyle to fill the blank space created by her absence. But I never saw this coming. I knew I would miss her but…. Now, I can’t bear to go any place I have visited with her. I just can’t concentrate on anything. I keep missing her smile, missing her glances while talking, missing her eyes for locking, missing her hands while walking and much more things…. I just miss everything. Everything seems like missing from my life. Every Happy feeling, every enjoying moments, everything. Its just like I have lost myself again.

For a month or so I didn’t realize her absense as I was busy. Now empty head leads to weird thoughts. And my mind feels her absense instead. May be this will last only few days and then I will get used to it. But still I don’t know how long. I haven’t even dared to visit any Garden, Malls, Roads, Lanes where we spent most of our time yet. I just lose my vigillance and everthing and become a person whose head is empty and eyes vacant.

My friends must have noticed this as I can see them trying to change subjects and stop me from entering this vacant feel when someone mentions her. This won’t feel like being God’s Yo Yo though. Things would have been much worse if it was the case. May be I should be glad about the point that we are not totally disconnected from each other. It simplifies lot of things if perceived this way.

Feeling much better now. Speaking out always helps (even if its not making any sense for others)

My brain surely needs some tweaking.

Life is not as simple as it seems…… or may be it is.

that scary white face

Two days ago, I had a bad dream. It was a few seconds dream. May be just 4-5 seconds. But it made me jump so badly that my mom came over to ask what happened.

I was in half hearted sleep. I was able to listen mom telling off my brother over something and I was also unable to make out her words clearly. Irritated I turned to look at my right. I saw someone sleeping over there with blanket over his head. He stirred in sleep and took his blanket down enough to show his black hair. ‘Hmmm’, I thought,’he can’t see me, I should call…’. I was happy about something, it was like I found a friend when I needed one. It was happiness you feel when for example you are bored and want to go on a night stroll outside and you wake your friend take him with to chat. Funny thing was that I felt same type of happiness and I stretched my hand to call him.
He stirred again, he was lying on his right arm with his back to me, by left hand he removed the blanket and got halfway up. Then silently he turned to me. I was expecting a smile and gali but a it turned out a white face. He smiled meekly, tilted his head to his right and said,”hey buddy….”
And I woke up shuddering. My heart hammering madly. I was struck with shock of seeing that face at the time I was least expecting it. It was not horrible in looks but its was surely horrible and cruel in feeling.

Consider yourself in the situation. You are happily waking up your friend for sharing/doing something and you find a creepy white face known or its cruel styles in the place of your friend.

I know it sounds a stupid dream. But it scared me very much. I think it was the night I was missing one of my dear friend.

……

lost treasure…. lost smile

“He is natural, this Suda, really refreshing personality”

“He is just a child yaar, don’t talk about personality, he is just sweet”

“This boy is simply born to smile and make us smile”

“Suda, will you please control and try not to smile while I am trying to teach?”
—>”What? no I am not smiling at anything madam!! Why are you saying that?”

“No madam, his face is have that smile always, he is not trying to intrude your teaching or anything “

“I love it when you smile, make me shiver with…..”

…………………..

I remember hearing these lines every now and then at home, in school, from teachers, from neighbours, at playgrounds, from junior college staff, at Engineering classes, from lecturers(Ladies!!!!) who were hardly a year older than me, from my classmates and now only from my (will be) soulmate!! My grandma always did “Najar Utaro Bachcheki” stuff whenever she got chance. (Somebody please explain “Najar Utarna” in English for others).
All this stuff is in past tense!!   Isn’t it?

Why? (That is an interesting question!!)

I don’t know, no, or do I?.

I used to write poems from childhood. I used to paint interesting (not artistic or good) paintings, I used to sing well when encouraged. I was so soft by nature that I never snapped back or quarreled with anybody who troubled me. And what about now? Don’t ask(and I suggest don’t try provoking me if you care for your health )

Ohh enough of this “I was like this…” “I was like that…”

Why I am not like that now?

At least do I have my precious smile still?

Its there always, I know, someone brings it back always, but its not long lasting like it used to!!

I am rethinking about these changes today!!!

Reasons? Will find out soon.

I am thinking all this today because few hours ago, while chatting with my co-worker friends,  I remembered an incident of past. In 12th,  I was very ill. My father too had lost his hope and at least once he thought he will never see me again. But I was oblivious to all these things and was as usual cheerful. When doctor told me I am ill with something and its little dangerous, I just replied,” Hey doc, just tell me how many days you want to cure me? I need to plan some study also. I am in 12th man!!!’. I never got why both doctors were stunned for few seconds and my father actually looked away.
And let me tell you, I just believed in my will-power, to make all these people smile again, I fought with those (I forgot names) illnesses (good word , disease is bad word ) and finally got rid of them.
The doctor and his wife said later, ” I have never had a patient like this. Because of him, I was able to cure other patients around him in less time.”

A grand new quest to bring smile back to my face is undertaken by myself. Will be joined by you-know-who soon.

Cheers
Suda

P.S.  If this post is too much “About Me” or too much “I” “I” then “maaf karo bhai”(apologies)

now I know what I missed

Traveling!!! Almost every other Friday, I can be found traveling back home on same route by same bus. But every time I meet different people, see different things. No I am not going to tell any travel story today. I planned to write it but my mind wasn’t allowing doing anything. I was just not in state of doing anything interesting. It was just like having a nervous breakdown. Even being at home for weekend did not cheer me up.
Sitting besides a keyboard, I just kept pressing next button in JetAudio without listening a single word from any singer.
Being thinking about nothing for long time, I forgot some philosophical stuff I thought on recent bus journey.
I forgot to copy photos from my phone to PC.
I refused to do anything my cousin asked me.
I denied going in market with dad to buy some grocery.
My head was jam but still Mom made excellent Tea didn’t attract me.
Irritated and irritated, I found myself behaving like a paranoid.
Somehow my mother convinced me to attend some after marriage function (not reception, some traditional Pooja) somewhere. Reluctantly, returned to bedroom to change and noticed my mobile lying on the bed with some movement on screen. I picked up it without looking at callers name. Someone said, “Hello, where you have been my dear!!” in such creamy voice that I lost control on heartbeats. My legs just gave away me and made me slip on the bed. My voice also betrayed me and a grunt or some stupid sound left from mouth.
Whoa!! So this was the thing I kept missing. Somebody’s voice!!! Managing to get some vocal transmission powers back I started talking. I told her I was missing her so badly that I forgot what I was missing! Or may be I forgot about everything and just lost my mind for some time. She was being same mental jerk there from yesterday. And somehow we synchronized our feeling.

Now I think, missing someone too desperately isn’t a bad thing at all.
Or is it?